Journeys

“The only journey is the journey within” – Rainer Maria Rilke. I like a saying, an adage, a proverb. This comes from my late grandma or “nana” as I called her, she had a brilliant sense of humour and was extremely sharp-minded. I can only imagine what she would have made of these times; she lived through the war but I remember her saying that at least they could socialise and go to dances, she loved life. Of course, we are only being asked to stay at home but the worry we feel is relative to our lives now. It’s funny, I started writing this blog about journeys yesterday, after which I then read an article in the press about certain holiday destinations being closed through the summer and then my colleague mentioned this morning that she needs to cancel flights for next month. We also talked about our emotions and how they becoming more and more heightened as the weeks progress. Both of us are very upbeat, high energy and enjoy a lot of laughter in the office, so I really felt for the first time the physical and mental journeys are becoming so intertwined for us all. The age-old debate “is the journey better than the destination?” was always a favourite topic back in my school days. My niece now attends the same school and I remember her writing about this a couple of years ago. It’s an interesting question. Of course, I am looking forward to going back to “normality” whenever this may be, being back at work and the kids attending school, popping to the shops, resuming my taxi driver duties, seeing family, friends and colleagues; the physical journey, but I have also been enjoying some aspects of being at home. We've shared some lovely moments, have laughed a lot, usually at my husband’s expense! I have definitely gained a greater insight into the pre-teen and teen worlds, which I am grateful for, and, I’ve said before, I’m enjoying fewer choices which brings some simplicity; the mental journey. So, it’s hard to know if the journey is better than the destination, and what if the destination has changed somewhat? I suppose this journey is like a mental marathon, there is no defined finish line, and therefore this journey is a real challenge. None of us have had training for this, we’re winging it. We are somewhere en route and the key is to continue moving forwards using a mental determination, creating a sense of purpose through new routines; new versions of “normal”. I have felt a personal shift in the past week. The shift is possibly the conflict I am feeling between the physical and mental journeys. I only feel it fleetingly since I’m busy, I’m juggling so many aspects right now. My personality is a real mix between arts and science, I love to draw, paint and create, but I also have a fascination with science, my kids call me “science geek”, completing a Science degree back in the day and still have a keen interest. I’m a thinker, I like to know “why” something happens. I must have been one of those irritating kids but my questioning personality serves me well these days. So, an undefined finish line means that I have a journey with lots of questions, lots of scenarios, and even more outcomes. I think this is why I ended up in a state of delirium at 1am yesterday morning. It started at dinner, I cooked an unexotic spaghetti bolognese and with no fresh vegetables left (the ration spreadsheet let me down), I added mixed frozen vegetables, very colourful. My husband described the bolognese as “pretty”, an unusual terms for bolognese. We all found it hilarious and enjoyed teasing him; I know this moment will be remembered by us for years to come. Roll forwards 5 hours, the hilarity of dinner became delirious insomnia for me, I couldn’t stop talking and laughing much to the dismay of my husband who reminded me we had to get up early to start work. I often find myself these days just staring at the walls at 4am in the dark. Is this due to the lack of destination, the uncertainty of the journey or are the synapses in my brain really reducing daily?

John Steinbeck once wrote, “A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it”……how very true!